Beware of Negative Labels

Has anyone ever used unflattering terms to describe the ways in which you most naturally think, feel and behave—your greatest talents?

Think about labels that others may have said about you or labels you may have thought about another person such as:

He’s slow--when really he likes to take his time and think through all the options before deciding.

She’s a blabbermouth--when really she has the ability to articulate ideas quickly.

He’s so negative--when really he is the one who naturally asks questions and thinks up alternative ways to solve problems.

She is so naive--when she always finds the positive in every situation and is always optimistic.

I wish he would think before he acts--when he has a sense of urgency to get things moving.

Instead of thinking, “that child is so stubborn and defiant, think instead that child is really good at standing up for himself” or “she is so slow” to “she is a very cautious and careful decision maker.”

Our society teaches us to view the world from a deficit mentality. We are taught to look at what's wrong with others instead of what's right with them.  Beware of those negative labels. Switch your thoughts to what are those actions telling me about that person's innate talents? Is there a glimpse of excellence underneath that negative label?

 

Copyright,  2015, Brenda R. Carlos, All Rights Reserved.

Seeing Talent

“I was successful because you believed in me.” Ulysses S. Grant in a letter to Abraham Lincoln

There is great power that comes when someone we respect affirms our talents. Just imagine how Abraham Lincolns words must have empowered Grant. On the flip side great destruction comes to one's soul when someone continually points out our weaknesses or flaws. 

I received much of my strengths training as an employee of Gallup, the word's leading experts on talent and strengths. For our discussion, I'd like to define talent as the embryo of a strength. As it is passionately practiced and coupled with knowledge and skills it can become a strength. A strength is when that talent can be used to fully contribute to yourself and others. (I often remind my students that it is at a professional level of performance.)

The key to turning our talents into strengths begins with talent discovery. What are my talents? Gallup suggests that there is something each individual can do better than 10,000 others. One of a parent's key responsibilities is to help their children discover those talents and then to provide opportunities to turn those talents into strengths.

Signs of Talent

Gallup's team of scientists have identified numerous signs of talent. Parents must become talent scouts and look for these signs in their children. I have added to their list as follows:

Yearnings

If your child has tried an activity and then yearns to do it over and over he/she is demonstrating one of the signs of talent.

I grew up in the days of Peggy Fleming, the gold-medal figure skater. I watched her during the Olympics and started begging my parents to let me take figure skating lessons. In my mind, I was going to become Peggy Fleming. After months of my pleading, my parents enrolled me in a figure skating class. I was the worst beginner on the ice. My ankles were so weak that I couldn't stand up let alone, move or spin and twirl. I hated figure skating. One of the girls in my class took right to it. By the end of the first class she was skating frontwards and backwards. She couldn't wait for the next class and I couldn't wait for it all to be over. My classmate went on to skate for years, competing in high school. After trying skating she immediately had an insatiable appetite or yearning to do it over and over. My yearning was totally gone after the first class and although I did learn to skate, I have very little desire to skate much. I go with the grand kids but it's a chore.

Rapid Learning

Think of a time when you learned something quicker than your peers. Watch for classes that your child aces without much effort. Rapid learning is a sign of talent. 

A friend of mine taught a quilting class to 9 and 10 year old girls. She quickly realized that she needed to cover  how to use the yard stick to measure the pieces and cut them out with precision numerous times. But there was one girl who caught on immediately. By the time the rest of the group understood the concept that one girl had already measured and cut out many pieces. My friend was surprised to hear that girl had no previous experience in sewing or quilting. She just heard the concept and got it immediately. 

Satisfaction

We enjoy those activities for which we are good. Nobody loves something that is hard for them.

My grandson is a sober kid. He has always been quite serious and doesn't smile much. That is why I was surprised to see his huge smile during his first soccer game. That boy didn't stop smiling the entire game and when the game was over he ran to his mom and asked, "When do I get to do this again?" As he's continued playing soccer he continues to smile his way through the games. He gets more satisfaction than most kids as he plays soccer. That tells me that there is something about the game of soccer that is feeding some of his talents.

Flow

I describe flow as those activities you do where time stands still. When you are in the middle of the task, you completely lose track of time.

My mom was a very talented artist. I can remember there were times when I found her painting when I got home from school and she absolutely couldn't believe that the day had passed. She was so engrossed in her painting that she had forgotten to eat lunch.

Glimpses of Excellence

Have you ever done something and then thought, "Did I really do that?" It was so good you almost couldn't believe you did it.

My sister loves drama. She has been a high school drama teacher and volunteered thousands of hours to her local community theater. Of all the aspects of drama that my sister enjoys the most, her favorite is to dress the set. She's the one who envisions what furniture is needed, what props should be left on the end tables, what needs to be placed on the bookshelves, etc. Her favorite moments are when the curtain goes up on opening night and she can see the set from the perspective of the audience. There have been many times when she absolutely can't believe how she nailed it. It all looks and feels so real that it sucks the audience right into the scene. She has received numerous awards from theater competitions for her sets. She surely has the talent to figure out what is needed on a set and can do it at a very professional level.

No Ceiling

Many of us took piano lessons as children. We progressed some but how many of us became professional? For most of us we got to a certain level and progressed at a snail's pace. Eventually we sort of got stuck. When talent is present there is no ceiling. The individual just keeps on growing and improving.

My friend loves to speak in public. She has been a member of  Toastmasters for a number of years and just keeps getting better and better. A few years ago she started competing in local speech contests. At first she was winning honorable mention but with each contest she progressed. Recently she won first place and the right to compete in a regional contest. Her goal is to keep going and see if she can win an international contest.

These are some of the major signs of talent. I challenge all parents to become familiar with them and watch for these signs in your children. When you see evidence, point it out to your child and ask  how the activity makes them feel. Find ways to give the child opportunities to use the talent.

Copyright,  2015, Brenda R. Carlos, All Rights Reserved.

Parents Play an Important Role in Helping Their Children FLY!

“The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.”-- Benjamin Disraeli

"Why can't you be like your sister, her bedroom is always neat and orderly?"

"Why are you such a poor sport. It doesn't matter who wins, I don't think I'll play any more games with you."

"You need to be more friendly when we have guests over. You just sit there and never open your mouth!"

"Hurry up, we don't have all day. You need to learn how to make quicker decisions."

Have you ever caught yourself thinking similar thoughts as to those just presented? Worse yet, have you ever caught yourself saying them to your child? Don't beat yourself up. This is how we are conditioned. We think everyone should react to the world the same way we do and when they don't as a parent, we think it's our duty to correct them or try to change them.

What if you realized that being neat and orderly is a distinct, rare talent that resonates within your daughter's soul but doesn't click with your son? What if you understood that wanting to win so bad that it affects your mood, is actually a sign of having the talent for competition? While in it's raw form, competition isn't very pretty but when turned into a strength it can give an individual an intense, rare drive to do their best. It moves them to do things that the average person would never be able to accomplish.

What if you realized that your child's reluctance to speak to new people isn't a sign of being too shy but that they prefer to relate and build relationships in a slow, quiet, more intimate manner than others who thrive in social situations where they have to speak to strangers?

What if you understand that your child has the talent of deliberation and needs time and space to make decisions--that quick decisions are uncomfortable and painful, but given time to mull over the options the child can create sound, firm, informed decisions.

“Every child has gifts, which parents can help them unwrap.”

Understanding how each of our family members think, how they solve problems and build relationships, what they most want, how they are motivated, and why they act the way they do and to apply this understanding as you interact with each other is a powerful notion. Great things can happen within our families as we recognize each other’s talents and encourage them to develop them into strengths and then find opportunities for them to do what they do best. 

Help your children reach their true potentials by nurturing the talents they possess. "When we tell children who they should be instead of helping them discover who they are, we clip their wings and steal a piece of their identity. When we support them in growing their strengths, we free them to fly!"--Beech Acres Parenting Center

Watch my next blog post which will share ways that parents can become talent scouts and identify talents in others.

Copyright,  2015, Brenda R. Carlos, All Rights Reserved.